I have been a “therapist” aka psychologist for twenty-three years. That is, since I was 18. Still I haven’t had a formal education as a psychologist but I am widely read on the subject – from psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) to NLP, hypnotherapy and conversational hypnosis, to the basics of anatomy and physiology, to systemic counselling and family therapy. There’s a lot that goes on in my “small” mind. I have also undertaken basic training in Reiki and mindfulness practise as well as personal coaching. That said, I know the basics of psychology and am currently studying the subject formally in my spare time at the age of 41.

I am also a mental patient. I was a very quiet child in the home environment but was unusually talkative with friends and at school. The roots of my psychosis go right back to the beginning. But a quick review: psychosis, addiction, insomnia and late onset schizophrenia – these are my adult bedfellows. I know I am mentally ill but at the same time I am able to look at my personal issues as a qualified psychologist – from self-reflection to written autobiography and selfie photos (of which the photo above is one).

It started in my teen years. Drinking excessive quantities of tea and coffee. To this day I still drink a lot of tea but my folks, who support me, can only afford to provide a single cup of coffee a day, which I have in the morning. From the age of fifteen I, influenced by peers and siblings, started drinking and smoking marijuana – and I haven’t stopped although I don’t overdo them either. I also experimented with LSD, ecstasy and cocaine although these I haven’t taken for many years now. LSD changed my life (in a positive way) – it was mind expanding. I have also been a heavy smoker from my teens to this day (with a few years break) as well smoking “holidays” and nicotine therapy in recent years. In short I’m a self-confessed addict.

2007 was a turning point in my life. That was the year that I was admitted to hospital for the first time and started the long road of psychiatric treatment for so called “schizophrenia” which I am convinced is some sort of misdiagnosis in my unusual case. Anyway things have been much more difficult since then and I look back on my early twenties with a sense of nostalgia. To say that my life has been a difficult one is a huge understatement.

Let me tell you a little more about myself. I am naturally antisocial. I keep to myself most of the time. I had a few terribly codependent relationships in my twenties before treatment in 2007. And I haven’t had a relationship for over ten years now. I am a geek. I know the ins and outs of technology, computing and the Internet (self-taught). I also have taught myself fine art and have done much painting, drawing, graphic design and photography. I am a perfectionist. I am constantly self-critical. I took English Literature at school and I still have a passion for the subject and am always reading and have written my own poetry too as well as authored the books on this site. I also have a passion for the outdoors, travel and the environment and much of my youth was spent hiking and out in nature. If all that wasn’t enough I also have an avid interest in music and especially singing and spent my teens playing the piano. I’m extensively schooled in film and drama too.

That said…although I am a jack-of-all-trades master of none, I keep my focus enough to be a productive therapist, artist and writer.

In 2010 my life changed. Out of nowhere a voice started talking through my own voice and this “psychosis” continues to this day. I am the focus of an endless diatribe of verbal drivel. However, the “voice” is humane and more like an imaginary friend to me. As I’ve said above, I study myself, and this extra voice has given me much room to speculate on the matter. “We” do have a sort of an ongoing conversation but it’s more directed on what’s happening in the present moment. The psychiatric medication has done nothing to help the situation. And it’s been terribly difficult to adjust to as I am not the socializing type. I found my outlet through writing and this has become a healthy alternative to shouting into the void.

Not your cup of tea? Mental illness never is.

Having spent my alone time over recent years developing and online profile and personality, which this dotcom is a summary of, I am now at liberty to take a holiday. Currently I am watching Better Call Saul and Star Trek: The Next Generation. I enjoy watching documentaries and any film I can get my hands on. I’ve recently read (and watched) Hamlet by William Shakespeare and, coincidently, am dipping into the audiobook of Ulysses by James Joyce. I’m pacing my way through a number of other books from psychology to diet to astrology to business in between cups of tea and cigarettes. I listen to a lot of music both online and via my offline collection – notably Taylor Swift whose voice and music I love to bits.

If you struggle with mental health issues realise that it’s never to late to get help. I have had an uphill “battle” with the medical profession and with this blog and dotcom under by belt I can finally say I have scored a personal victory. Whatever your circumstance I wish you the very best of luck with your journey.

love jn 💕